Tips for going to a gay bar

Before I started going to girl bars and dyke nights I thought they would basically be the best thing ever. I sort of imagined it would be like the fairy scenes on True Blood. And at first, it seemed like I was having fun. For a while. The girls night I went to is the largest in New England so it was always packed, had a great DJ and usually promised a night of awesome dancing.

So I made a plan.

Having Fun at a Gay Bar 101: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

A plan to have fun at gay bars. A plan which I absolutely promise totally totally works most of the time. Have really low expectations leading up the going out. Really really really low. Sometimes going out can seem like an overpriced and overdressed game of Hide-and-Go-Seek — you arrive at the bar with your friends, wrestle crowds to get a drink, lose track of your friends, find your friends, and then go to Pancheros.

But be excited! Meet up early like at 5 pm. The key to looking hot is comfort. Oh, and wear pants. Also, dancing with a purse is annoying. Wear pants and put your cash, cards and cellphone in your pocket and attach your keys to your belt loop with a carabiner. I went through a phase where I was always wearing dresses to girls night and sticking my cars and cash in my bra and my cell phone and keys in my boots.

This worked really well except my cell phone would drop to the bottom of my boot causing me to repeatedly step on it. Also it meant I had to always wear boots with dresses which was a bummer because it gets hot and sweaty on the dance floor. But if you must wear a skirt, stick it in the boot. I think having possession of your own stuff is a much more important factor in terms of having fun and being safe, but I know for some femme queers i.

For everyone else, this can be a bit tricky. Hell is getting kicked out of the club for falling too many times. Getting puking shitfaced in public or having a friend who does is not fun. It is the most not fun you can possibly have at any sort of drinking and dancing establishment.

It is worse than crying kittens in the rain. Measure out your drinks.